Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
