I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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