I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
