She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
