I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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