i'm signing you up for texting rehab
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
