new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
