AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
