I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I deserve this hangover.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
