He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
