On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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