i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
