The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my sisters under your porch take her home
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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