This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize