I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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