i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I can't put those talents on a resume
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
