Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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