Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
