i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
