So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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