I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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