Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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