Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
