I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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