Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
