I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
