right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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