I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
