True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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