Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
