He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
