Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
