yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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