Your mouth is God's brothel.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
