he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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