You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
