So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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