I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
