Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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