omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the day after is always just damage control
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
