Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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