Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I didn't notice because vodka
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
