Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
