She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
