next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
