I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
