I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
