WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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