Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
