come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
