I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
