i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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