Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
