Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
