Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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