I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
