i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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