The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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