At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
