You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
